|an answer to an unspoken prayer
||[Nov. 21st, 2004|10:35 pm]
|||||Trouble - Pink||]|
So this past week has been pretty miserable, I've broken a lot of stuff and dealt with a lot of things and ultimately ended up in the same position I was in back in May.
It started last Tuesday night/ early wednesday morning when I woke up in a panic, not knowing where to turn. I ran down to the kitchen and ate everything I could touch, it's horrifying to think about how grotesque I must have looked. Eventually I stopped eating, vomited, took some pills and went running. All of it took me back to last May. I don't know if it was a dream that sparked it or the sudden stress of life relentlessly attacking every aspect of my being. Regardless, Plan A is back in action. I pushed Kevin away, told him he's young and blah blah blah, I want to be friends, blah blah blah. It sounded good at the time and it's probably safer for him to be kept at a distance anway. He is young though, needs to grow up a lot, but he's a great guy - lots of fun to be around. We're still doing VARF together so it's not bad...he'll just become another one of my stoner friends I guess. Anyway. As much as this all sounds icky (because it is) I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't get word of some hope. Johns Hopkins offers the only outpatient ED hospital in this state, yes it's expensive, yes it means accepting help blah blah blah...but! they're doing a 10 week study on bulimics. Coincidence? I think not. So I'm going to call them tomorrow and see if I qualify...I so hope I do because if not, I gotta get back through it. Right now I feel pretty confident saying that I have this thing and it doesn't have me but I don't know how long it can last especially now that it's fighting to regain control. It's been almost an 11 year battle and I'm not about to surrender but I'm so tired of working to conquer. 4 great weeks...gone. Once there was a time when I was getting better for someone I cared about, because they were my inspiration. Now I'm going to have to do it for myself and I don't have the right tools for that yet. *sigh*. It always gets worse before it gets better.
Last night though I went out with Tegan and Mel to this gay bar in Baltimore called Hippos and I drank entirely too much and was falling down drunk. I have NEVER been as sick as I was last night and I was sick ALL day, the longest hangover of my life. I had a blast though for the hour I was there and not sick, does that count?
Everyone is leaving again, Tegan got orders to go to Korea although she swears shes not going to go. Andy got orders to go help with Operation Iraqi Freedom which puts him anywhere and Mike got orders for Iraq, Stewart Dustin and Travis are all going to Germany. I guess it's about that time for them all and I know their in the military so it makes sense but ugh.
I think thats about it.